Quack-a-dile- Not best seller material yet

I know that it's been quite awhile since I've written anything...but I didn't realize it had been since April- not good!  Let me get you up to speed on what's going on with my life-  I'm still at the office job part time and the bar part time.  I've rearranged my schedule a bit so that I have 3 days off and 2 of them in a row, which has been pretty nice.  I still feel busy though.

I'm doing Tues, Wed, Thurs at the office and Thurs night and Sat. night at the bar.  That gives me Friday, Sunday, and Monday off.  Having 2 days off in a row does help me to get motivated and be productive on Mondays.  My dad gave me a bunch of cookbooks for my birthday in April, so the last 2 Monday's I have cooked recipes from one of the books and the Monday before that I spent all day cleaning my room.  I was practicing guitar for awhile there as well, but that has fallen off over the past couple weeks.

Obviously, I think that cooking, cleaning, and playing guitar are great...but what happened to pickling and making stuff for my Etsy store????  I obviously lack any sort of long term focus here.

So...I really need some sort of plan that I can stick to.  I just really, really don't know what to do; it would be nice if I picked up some hobby to stick to that could eventually bring me some revenue.  Cooking, cleaning and guitar are not going to bring any foreseeable revenue to me that I can see. (I don't see the amazing "singing housecleaner" becoming a fad- haha)

Alright, Alright— time to brainstorm...What can I do....Let's start with what do I like (which I started with back in March, but maybe I need to reassess):

• Making Crafts- pottery, jewelry, etc. (although I get bored/distracted (can you tell!) kind of easily, which is probably why I stopped making those jewelry racks after I had made 4 of them...it didn't feel new anymore
• I don't I love cooking, but I do enjoy food prep (chopping, ect..) as well as sharing a home-made meal with friends, and the satisfaction of knowing that we made it
• Being social and getting out of the house and going anywhere, really, with friends
• Back when I did it (a looong time ago) I enjoyed being in plays and performing
• Singing
• Watching movies and tv shows (especially comedies)
• Exploring and trying new things...I'm really hoping to go camping and/or whitewater rafting in September

So- those are the things I enjoy.  Most of them aren't particularly uncommon and they really boil down to: being social, performing, and making things.  

I really do have a desire to own my own business and I think that I would get to do all the things I like if it was the right business...because selling the items would be both social and somewhat performing (i.e. the sales pitch) and depending on the items- I might be making them (although I would be ok with a product that I designed and then had manufactured).

How can I make this happen???  I need focus.  What do I want to sell?

The stuffed animal business (a company I tried to start over a year and a half ago) is there for me to run with, but I don't have the same confidence in the product that I once had and that's really whats been holding me back from pursuing the idea.

I have the 2 prototypes in my room and see them everyday, but they don't look like best sellers to me...at least not yet.  The second prototype is the best one and it is cute, but I feel like it's not quite capturing exactly what I wanted the animal to be (which s both ridiculously cute and a bit mischievous).

It's not cute enough...It needs to be more overstuffed, it needs to be bigger and It might need more than just 2 green colors.  I've been avoiding admitting this fact to myself, mostly because this prototype went through multiple revisions and I approved it before it was sent to me from the manufacturer.  I said that it was good enough, but looking at it, I see that it's not there yet.  It's so close, but not perfect yet.

Now that I've said it out loud (sort of)...It gives me license to move forward with the Quack-a-dile (that's the stuffed animals name).  But in moving forward, I will have to make a new prototype, rather than going ahead with the current model.  Looking at it right now, I see just a couple of tweaks: twice as big, much rounder and more overstuffed, thicker thread for the smile, and that really might be enough.  You know, those changes are relatively minimal, maybe I could move forward with the same company and ask for those tweaks in the final product?   That's a big risk though...gah, I'm not sure.

Either way, I don't have the money, I need to make a kickstarter video and see if I can raise some capital for manufacturing, as well as new prototyping.  I think I would stick with the same company though, as they were easy to work with and revised the item as many times as I asked.

I think I have a plan for the time being (especially because I have heard you should only focus on one business venture at a time, so as to give it all your attention.)  I'll make the kickstarter video for the quack-a-dile and I will include with it the fact that I need a new prototype to get it to maximum cuteness.

I'll post a link to the video on here...so you can see what this Quack-a-dile is all about, especially since I have never fully explained it on here.

Man, I should really blog more often, it certainly helps to sort through my thoughts!

Have a great day!

Progress (or lack there of)

Goals: I do want to talk about the minimal progress/setbacks I’ve made in my goals in the last 2 weeks (it won’t take very long-haha). 

·      I quit singing lessons (I think 2 days after my last post) I just really didn’t want to go and didn’t want to practice.  I quit a lot of things I start- I’d say that’s a flaw that I need to work on. But..that’s the decision I made.  I don’t feel as if I want to place a right or wrong assessment on it(at least not right now).

·      Nobody has bought anything off my Etsy Shop, but someone did favorite one of the jewelry racks- so that’s encouraging!

·      I used the canner for the first time to make pickles- the canning process went alright, but I changed the recipe to use apple cider vinegar and oh my goodness- these were the WORST pickles I have ever tasted in my entire life.  The pickles were not remotely crunchy- I think they were literally dissolving in the vinegar mixture.  The flavor was sooo strong and bad, that both me and my roommate spit our bites into the sink.  It’s could barely even be called food.  I guess that goes to show me that if the recipe calls for white vinegar, who am I to change it?- especially on my second pickle batch ever! (this was this first one using the canner)

·      We didn’t hear from the Kitchen that we emailed, so I emailed a different commercial kitchen space today- so we’ll see if they respond to this one.

·      This doesn’t exactly have anything to do with goals, but I signed up to play dodgeball with some people from one of my old jobs.  I think it should be fun!

Those are all the goal related things from the last 2 weeks- singing is off the table

for now and pickling went bad, but I’ll make another batch (with the correct vinegar) soon.

I’m not exactly sure what to do with the rest of my Wednesday- maybe clean my room and do the dishes.  I’m not really in a pickling mood today…

Ok- that's it- Hope everyone's having a nice day- it's sunny here in SomerBridge/CambriVille!

Safety Not Guaranteed Anywhere

Last Week: Last week was very surreal here in Boston- everything just felt weird and not real- the bombing and then the ensuing search for the bombers, and then one of them dying and the other FINALLY getting caught…it was all just horrible and so sad.  

I’m sorry to say that often, when I hear of a tragedy- it never really hits me- I say “that’s sad” and then move on because it seems far away and I just feel very removed from it.  But this happened 2 miles from my office, in my city, in an area where I have been many times, and the bombers lived a 10 in walk from my house.  This did affect me and everyone I know.

The whole thing really just filled me with a sadness on Monday afternoon and gave me this feeling of not being safe and feeling “off” all week.  I spoke to my friends and neighbors and it hit all of them the same way- it all just felt so wrong and weird and sad.   It also made us really come together- none of us wanted to be alone.

After the suspected bomber being caught on Friday, things have essentially gone back to normal here- we’re all still talking about it (of course) and reading about it and waiting to find out more information- the Whys? are rolling around in our heads, but we are going to work, going out with our friends, we are back to normal.  I do think we (at least for now) are being a little nicer to each other and feeling a sense of community we don’t usually feel– we are Boston Strong!  Especially when I worked last Friday night, I really felt that sense of community…I have never seen the bar sooo packed.  Everyone came out after having been “sheltering in place” all day- not going to work or school and glueing themselves to the news while the cops looked for the suspect.  Everyone was just so happy to be out of the house and there was a strong feeling of camaraderie- even when it was so packed you couldn’t move.

After the bombing I really have lost some of that false sense of safety most American’s carry around.  I have always known that we aren’t safe and that we never have been safe (there’s murderers, and car accidents, natural disasters and wars) but it’s become EXREMELY clear now- that this kind of thing doesn’t just happen in other countries or other cities- it can happen anywhere- it can and did happen here.  On top of this bombing- there was the fertilizer explosion in Texas and the earthquake in China all during the same week…all of these terrible things are bringing the “not safe” thing to the forefront of my mind.  

I also am now going back to thinking about what it is that I want out of this life- that is (as we can see) is not guaranteed to just go on until I’m 90 years old.  None of us know how long we will be here to follow our dreams and live our lives.

Honestly, I haven’t been spending very much time during the last week thinking about my goals or what I want out of life.  I’ve been working a lot- 6 shifts last week and 6 the week before.  I have Wednesday days off though…and decided I really needed to get my thoughts out into my blog and reflect again on what it is that would bring me happiness in this life that seems increasingly short, yet long at the same time.  Not only did this bombing shake me, but I turned 28 on Sunday April 21- both of these things cause you to think about the time you have here. 

I’m not sure if anyone else felt this way as a child, but I NEVER thought I would be almost 30- NEVER.  It was almost like a figment of my imagination- thinking about being 30 and having a job and maybe a family (not yet on that one)…I don’t think I ever thought that any of that stuff would really be real for me- it just seemed like it could never happen, but here I am- haha. 

So…yeah I still feel like a failure at life for the most part when I look back on what I’ve accomplished so far- I’m a year older now and not too much closer to finding a place in life that I feel content to be standing at/on.  I have hope though- I still think quitting that job and getting the 2 part time jobs was the right thing for me, even if it’s only because it gives me the opportunity for this Wednesday off- just the opportunity to blog and thing and act, with no distractions of work or friends.

I'm going to put another short post up in a minute about my goals and how I'm doing (or not doing) with them.  It was originally one post, but I think it makes more sense as 2.

If you want to donate to the victims of the bombing- here is a link to The One Fund:

https://secure.onefundboston.org/page/-/donate2.html

Losing Steam...Lacking Positive Reinforcement

I'm not sure I have anything much to say right now about finding a dream and achieving it...I'm having kind of a hard time right now staying motivated.  I did very well for a week or 2- I started the Etsy page and made some cool jewelry racks and wine stoppers.  Me and my roommate got a business certificate for a pickle and jam company we are calling "Pickles 'n' Jam," I'm still taking singing lessons, and started my new job Monday.

I wish I felt great about all this stuff, but I just don't right now....sometimes I have the thought "what's the point of all this?"  It is so easy to give up on things and go back to doing not much at all.  I'm still committed to not doing that, but I sort of feel like it right now and have felt this way since last week.  I just keep telling myself that the point is to be happier and that I shouldn't give up on making that happen!

Writing this blog post is part of not giving up on moving forward!  So- yes, I feel a bit down right now and am not super motivated.  However, I am going to force myself to practice singing today and at least go buy the spices for the pickle recipe.

I'm going to be working a lot more now than I was this last month, which will be a challenge to getting stuff done and will require more planning.  While I was unemployed or only working at the bar a couple days a week, I had so much time on my hands that I was able to sit around watching shows for hours and still have plenty of time to be productive after that, which made it MUCH EASIER to do things!

I'm busier now and will have to make time for creative pursuits.  I'll be working Mon, Tues, and Thursday at the Office and Thursday Night at the bar (and prob. at least 1 or 2 other days at the bar).  This week is pretty busy- I worked Mon and Tues at the Office, am working tonight at the bar, tomorrow at the office, tomorrow night at the bar, and Fri. day at the bar-that's more than full time.

So yeah- In Conclusion-  I'm losing motivation and am now pretty much back to working full-time, albeit 2 part time jobs instead of one full time job.  At least I have a partner in the "Pickles 'n' Jam" endeavor and we will have each other to keep us motivated.  Although, if we don't get a commercial kitchen space to make the pickles and jam, then this project is really a non-starter anyways (I'll talk more about this business in another post.)

At least Spring has finally Sprung here in Boston and it's easier (for me anyways) to be happy, busy, and motivated when it's nice out!!!!

Wait a minute- I just figured out why (at least partly why) I'm losing motivation (thanks blogging!) So I've been working on 3 things:

• Singing Lessons
• Pickles and Jam company with my roommate
• Etsy Store

I would like to break down why I'm losing motivation in each category:

• Singing Lessons- 
• I like my instructor a lot, but he talks A LOT, and I didn't even get a song to work on until the 3rd class 
• I really haven't gotten to sing that song very much in class so far (due to all the talking) and most of the singing I've done in the 4 classes has been the warm-up.  Last class I sang part of the song for about 10 or 15 min...that's it (it's an hour long class)
• Basically, I was expecting to sing more in singing class- haha- and am not getting to do that enough, so am losing motivation
• Pickles and Jam- (I know I said I'd talk about this in the next post, but here it is:)
• We just wanted to make some homemade pickles and jam and sell them at the farmer's market, but there's been so many roadblocks:
• We need a clean, health dept. inspected kitchen to make the food in
• We missed the application deadlines for all the farmer's markets around here (they were in March)
• We applied for a shared Kitchen and haven't heard back yet- so everything really hinges on that- Now we wait........
• Etsy Store-
• I made some pretty cool stuff (I think), but no one's ordered anything- so I'm much less inclined to keep making stuff if nothing happens....

What do all of these things have in common, you ask??? Well...I'm not getting much positive reinforcement on any of them.  I've put time and effort into all of them and haven't gotten much of anything back yet.  But...if I stay positive and move forward, eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) things will start happening:  I'll sing more in class (as I think he's covered most of the things that need to be talked about -breathing, posture, vowels, etc.), we will hear back from that kitchen (this might end up being negative- but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it), and if I keep making stuff for Etsy- I know someone will order something, right?

There you have it— motivation is being lost because of lack of positive reinforcement and minimal gains, despite effort. Now that I understand why I've been feeling down- I think I will be able to drum up some more effort on my part.

Have a great day :)

Self Efficacy and the "I Can't"

I got the part time Admin job!  I found out on Thursday!  I accepted the position, turned in all all the paperwork, and start on April 8th.  I'm happy about it, but also...I'm not as happy as I thought I would be (or as happy as I should be.)

The stress of not having a steady job is now gone, but it's kind of been replaced by a bit of a sad feeling about how, as much as I wanted this part time admin job....It's still an admin job and not the type of job I want to do for the rest of my life.

I was talking to my roommate the other day about how I have not been meeting my potential (I know that nobody meets all of their potential though) and how I'm scared of failing.  I haven't really challenged myself or taken any jobs I was really scared of.  We talked about how we're both scared of failing at things and often have this thought pattern of "I can't do this" when it comes to something challenging.  My roommate has a strong interest in psychology and hopes to get a masters degree in neuropsychology so she had some interesting insights.

I have always attributed my "I can't" feelings to self esteem, but she explained that there is self-esteem and there is self-efficiacy.  I think most people know what self esteem is, but here is the definition.  She described self efficacy as our confidence in our abilities in specific areas definition here.  For example, I have high self efficacy in making omelets.  I know that I know how to make an omelet and am not worried about messing it up or doing it wrong.  Also, if I do burn the omelet- I have enough self efficacy in regards to omelets, that I know I will be able to make one next time, even though this particular omelet came out badly.   

Now- when it comes to other, let's say more difficult, things such as practicing Landscape Architecture- I have low self efficacy.  When I was in school (mostly in the 3rd-5th years of the program)  I would get assigned a project and my mind would immediately go to "I can't do this."  Now, intellectually I knew that I could, and had to, do the project.  However, because of this feeling of "I can't" I would get a knot in my stomach, get very stressed out, and wait until the last minute to complete the project.  I really wouldn't want to do the project at all, but would finally force myself to complete it because failing a class or a project was not an option that I allowed myself, not ever.

Ok- so after 3 years of this type of behavior, conventional wisdom would say that eventually my self-efficacy in these projects and Landscape Architecture would increase because I'm completing them and making A's or B's.  Unfortunately, these projects were all different- one semester we did Residential Design, the next Urban Design, the next Community Design, etc.  They were different enough- that I never gained much confidence in my abilities and continued to force myself to complete projects at the last minute, while not enjoying the process of designing very much and being stressed out.  Once I finished the design, I enjoyed the coloring and drawing a little, but mostly I just wanted it to be over.  My last semester was the worst- I was doing my Exit Project and I was so stressed and didn't want to do my work so bad- that I would often sleep through half of studio and show up 2 hours late (it was THAT BAD).  

I made an A on that final project— but that semester coupled with the 2 years before, left me with a VERY strong feeling that I still couldn't do it and didn't want to feel that stressed or that bad anymore, despite all the good grades and finished projects under my belt.  When I think about it, I still feel like I can't do it and don't want to do it.  When people ask my why I'm not pursuing Landscape Architecture I just tell them I didn't like it and it was very hard/stressful work.  I don't tell them that I self-sabbotaged and made myself miserable because I didn't think I could do it.

When I look at the people I went to school with- some of them were definitely a lot better than me both in design and drawing, but not all of them.  Some of the people that had similar abilities to me are doing very well in the field now and I know it's because they had an innate confidence in their abilities that I just didn't know how to have and, will never have, in that career.  

I feel guilty for self-sabbotaging, but I don't know how to manufacture confidence- so I'm just moving forward in these new jobs that I have more self efficacy in.  

I'm hopeful for the future and that I will find something, some career, that I'm willing to fight for and build confidence in.  A career in which my fear and stress don't ruin my chances of being a success. It's probably going to be something that doesn't require so many pieces to come together like designing a landscape...something less complicated most likely.

I still like being creative and started an Etsy Shop recently- maybe I'll end of making some craft that takes off and can be source on income...who knows!  I'll just keep on making things and see what happens!!!   

No Trout Here

Months ago, while I was still working at the Office Job I had for the last 3 years (before I left it for the job I worked at for 2 days), I was unhappy and bored.  I spoke to family and friends about how I'd really like to just work part time in an office and waitress a few days a week.  I didn't pursue this, as I felt it was more prudent to find a full-time job that "made sense" and paid more that my previous position, had opportunities for advancement, etc.  So...I did that and then promptly quit!

I wasn't listening to myself at all-  I was saying out loud what I wanted, but was too "rational" to move forward with it.  I do know that I won't want to do this forever, and that it's not what a "smart college graduate should do."  However, I'm trying to move away from society's shoulds and attempting to do what I think will lead me in the right direction (wherever that is?) for me and try to do not dwell on others thoughts or opinions on these choices.

It's funny to think that once I had a concrete goal in place- getting a part time office job and a restaurant job, I was able to meet those goals within weeks of my unemployment.  Well...almost, I have the serving job, and I find out next week if I get the Admin. position I interviewed for Thursday (I think I'm gonna get it though- the interview went well!) 

I did run into some roadblocks along the way to meeting this goal.  For example, I was offered a full-time temp (poss. to perm) opportunity at Harvard and offered an interview at a restaurant that would have been mostly hourly wages with little tips (counter service and food prep.)  Both of these positions presented opportunities (and I did need a job,) but they weren't in line with my goal and because I knew exactly what I was looking for (the type of restaurant I wanted even)- I made the tough decision to not take the job at Harvard and to not accept the interview at Clover.  As difficult as it was to turn things down, I was able to do so because I had my goal and knew what it looked like.

I'm already happier, and glad I turned down those other things to get here- The Field has a great atmosphere: it's busy, I'll be able to make pretty good money, it's pretty close to my neighborhood, the people seem very cool, and I love feeling more connected to my community!  The part time admin position I interviewed for seems to have what I'm looking for as well- it's easy to get to on the train, my future boss seems like an approachable and nice guy, most people it the office seem cool (although one person seems a little persnickity), it's 24 hours per week, and seems to have a good variety of different work that should keep me on my toes for awhile.  (There's also a ping pong table in the office, which is AMAZING!)

This whole experience has really shown me that having a specific goal, even if it's something small like getting 2 part time jobs, is sooo important!  I'm really looking forward to exploring my interests and discovering other goals, as well as a direction to go in.  

Just having a picture in my head of what I wanted allowed me to go after it, while making it much easier to make decisions about next steps.  Taking steps that led me toward that picture in my head and avoiding the steps that would take me away from it proved to not really be all that difficult.

I had been living my life for the past few years somewhat like a Trout, just swimming with the current (is that what Trout do, go with the flow?) and not making intentional decisions for my life.  I don't know what's going to happen- but it's a good feeling to be making intentional decisions for myself, which I hadn't really done since I moved to Boston. 

A Body in Motion, Stays in Motion

Alright- so I am starting to make some more headway in the finding a job to make some money front!  I started training at "The Field" last night; they probably won't have many shifts for me until the back patio opens (It snowed last night, so that might not happen anytime soon.)

Also, I have a job interview this week for a part time admin. position at a company that does late stage pharmaceutical research/testing, but I would be at their marketing division in Boston.  It sounds like a pretty interesting job because they want me to do editing, proofreading, and powerpoint- as well as administrative tasks.  It's also part time with flexible hours and not too tough to get to...so I'm hoping this works out!

I'll be back with a job update after that interview, which will be Thursday...if that doesn't work out, I might have to go back to full-time office work through a temp agency (gasp)!  I have high hopes for this though!

Anywho- the point of this post is finding a Purpose, Goal, or Dream:

What I'm doing to figure out something that I want to maybe do (vague right?):
So, I haven't dove (dived?) into anything off the high diving board, while doing flips yet.  I've been sticking my feet in the water a little bit to try a few things out though.

Doing things that I like/enjoy might help lead to some sort of concrete goal or towards some kind of dream.  So, I've tried a few things:

• Taking Singing Lessons: I've always really enjoyed singing and have spent many nights in Faneuil Hall singing Karaoke (mostly Taylor Swift).  So, I've started taking singing lessons, and last Monday was my first class!  Not sure that this will lead anywhere, but maybe someday I'll be in some kind of band...
• Making Pickles:  I've always enjoyed making things- and I've decided to try my hand at pickles.  The costs for equipment are very low (like 35$ for the boiling water canner and utensils) and potentially sell them at the Farmer's Market this summer- big maybe- I still have to find out Massachusetts regulations for this kind of stuff and am getting ahead of myself (I tend to do that.)
• But, I made some refrigerator pickles (these are not canned, but just pickles that you put in the fridge after making- they only last about a month) with my Aunt last week when I was in Vermont, and they are very easy to make and came out great- Yum!
• My roommate is interested in Jam (Jamming!) and we ordered the canner yesterday and are going to share it once it arrives! 
• Jamming and Pickling has to be done very precisely, due to bacteria- so I'm a little nervous about that part.
• Kickstarter Video:  I haven't worked on this yet, but I'm now committed to making a Kickstarter video for the Quack-a-Dile, a toy that I had a prototype made for last year.  I was pretty iffy on whether I was going to pursue the idea further, as the manufacturing costs are a bit high, but I think it's worth moving forward on.  Once the video is made, I'll put a link on the blog.

That's all I've really done so far, which doesn't feel like much- I am reading a self help book called "Getting Past OK: The Self-Help Book for People Who Don't Need Help," by Richard Brodie.  It might end up being helpful, but I'm not done with it yet.  

I'm on "Part III: The Pursuit of Happiness," which pertains to this post.  One statement he makes in this section makes a lot of sense to me- It's in regards to finding a life purpose:

     "The kind of life purpose I'm talking about is something that we're all fulfilling already;

      it's just that we may be doing it very inefficiently.  I want you to become conscious of 

      what that purpose is- the part of your life that you really like, the core of what it's all 

      about for you- so you can use all your intellectual and creative abilities to come up
      with ways to have more of it.  And if you're like me, it won't just be a little more-
      it will be a lot more."

I just got to this statement yesterday, but it reinforces what I'm already doing, which is adding more stuff I already like to my life- singing, making things, ect.  Granted, I did read a bunch of blogs and googled "finding a purpose in life," "finding a dream" and read of bunch of posts and advice online the day I quit my job (I was freaking out after all) and came across similar advice there. Reading those other blogs inspired me to come back and write about this "Journey" or whatever it is that I'm on- haha. One of those other blogs that's pretty cool is : The 30 Year Old Ninja http://30yearoldninja.com/   His story is pretty darn inspiring!

I think I'm doing an alright job, but I worry about losing steam on finding my purpose or dream-  

It would be so easy to fall back on my old pattern of  just going to work, watching tv, and going out with friends and not really doing much else. 

But, even as I'm scared of falling back on old patterns, I still have forward momentum (as well as the recent memory of how I wasn't happy in that pattern). We ordered the canner, I made pickles, I went to my second singing lesson, and I've kept blogging-  all Forward Momentum.

Today I plan to buy a date book- and to schedule practice time for singing and to schedule time to write a script for the Kickstarter video.  

As physics says :  A Body in Motion Stays in Motion, and a Body at Rest Stays at Rest.  I believe that as long as I keep pushing towards figuring this stuff out and stay "in motion"- I will get somewhere with this!