Oh Procrastination

So, I just made a list of things that I want to do, a to do list. Some of the things are big, like be kind, don't lie, etc. Some of them are smaller, like fix my car and buy a cd case. I know that simply making a list or writing a blog is not going to make me change the fundamental way I do things... I'm just going to have to really want to do it. I do, however think that writing it out is a good place to start and unfortunatley also a way of procrastinating. I need to do reading for English class, drawing forArch. drawing, practice ceramics, do drawings for ceramics, and do my sketchup quiz.

Well, I know that I'm not going to do any of that tonight--- I'm going dt with a friend pretty soon. I like going downtown, but I did go out yesterday night and the night before. Friday was fun, I saw a band. Saturday wasn't as fun, but still better than sitting at home doing homework.

I think that I should still do fun stuff, like go out, but when I'm at home doing nothing, I should do homework, practice guitar, make jewelry, clean, explore new music. Do things that I really want to do. Watching tv shouldn't be on that list of important things, although I would like to start watching the news, but we don't have cable and I wanted to watch CNN. I don't really think that anyone actually reads my blogs, but It's a good way to keep a diary that's not just on Microsoft word and to think that maybe someone out there is reading it.

Maybe I should turn this into more or a diary and less life changing?

So here goes:

It's fall break right now, but not really b/c my school is only giving us one day off, not two. That's b/c we had a football game on Labor day and they took one of our days off away b/c of that. I think that is so lame, really it is. Anyways I havn't done much this weekend. I went out thursday, friday and I'm going out tonight. I have more to say, but I don't want to talk about my friends on the internet, they really wouldn't like that at all. So I guess that's about it. I didn't do much in general during the days. I went to a soccer game and out for coffee yesterday. Spill the Beans has good coffee, but better ice cream. The soccer game was kinda boring, but we won and that makes me a little happy. I feel good about participating in school events and would actually like that to be a goal---go to more sporting events---b/c once I graduate, well it won't be the same.

I have enough foresight to realize that nothing will ever be the same after I graduate. Obviously things change all the time, but there's a level on continuity being with the same ppl in my major, going to the same school. I'm scared to go somewhere I won't run inot people I know downtown and where almost everyone you meet isn't your age and doesn't go to your school.

WOW, THIS IS REALLY BECOMING STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS

anyways, so I'm starting to really get scared. 3 of the people I hang out with now are graduating in December and I'm graduating in May (I'm already a 5th year senior). I'm scared to go into the "REal World," wich doesn't actually exist anyways. I'm scared to get a job, I'm scared I will be a bad Landscape Architect, I'm scared I will hate it, I'm scared I won't meet any cool people, I'm scared of falling out of touch with friends, I'm scared of not finding a job I like, I'm scared of FAILING AT LIFE.

I'm starting to realize why people opt for grad. school---school is safe we've been in school our whole lives---but I'm not going to grad school. I can't afford it and I need to try out LandscapeArchitecture. I've gotta make a go of it----all I am is fear though. Fear is one of the things that keeps me from getting stuff done. I realize that If I ignore my fear and believe in my abilities that I can do a good job and be a kickass Larchie and make the world a more beautiful place. So I'm just going to say that to myself, maybe it will help:

I can and will design outdoor spaces and do kickass projects that people will love to visit. I can and will pick out an exit project and it will be the best, most thouroughly designed, and well thought out project I have ever completed. I will graduate and get a kickass job at a firm focused on Sustainable landscapes and I will live in a cool city and make awesome and inspiring friends who will challenge me to be a better person and a better designer!!!!! =---Now that's an affirmation!@

Motivation?

So, this whole changing my life thing isn't going as planned. In theory I want to get stuff done, but it's so much easier to sit around doing nothing, when I should be doing homework or other productive things. I got home from school at 6:45 ish yesterday and didn't do any of my homework. I kept thinking that I needed to do it, but I watched t.v. and talked to my roomate and went on the computer---now I'm quite behind. I was hoping I could get everything done before my 5 pm class, but I couldn't.

It's not been going well. I didn't work at the ceramics studio this weekend, my mom cleaned up my room for me, I missed class this morning, and am missing a class right now, which has a homework assignment I should have emailed to my teacher by 5 pm. Also, I only did 2 drawings for my drawing class yesterday, I should have had 3 or 4 on 11X17 paper.

So, here's the reason I missed class this morning--- I didn't get ready fast enough and missed the bus. Here's why I'm not at class now---I was teaching a class (after school program--1st day) and I didn't leave there until 4:25 and my class is at 5 pm. I didn't have time to make the bus. Also, I just don't feel like going--- I'm really sneezy and a bit sick, also I want to get the homework assignment for that class (was due at 5) done, even though the highest grade I can make is a 75 turning it in late. Also that class is from 5-9 and I have homework for another class that I need to do..

I COULD HAVE DONE THIS STUFF LAST NIGHT OR LAST WEEKEND AND NOW STUFF IS LATE AND I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME---BEING A SLACKER IS A BAD CHOICE.

Anyways, I think I need to redouble my efforts and give it another go. It doesn't make me happy to waste my time and not get stuff done---it's just easier.

I think my problem is that I'm a bit lazy and somtimes actually scared to do my homework, b/c I think it's going to be hard or somthing--which it usually isn't all that hard.

Anyways, I'll post again in a couple days and hopefully I'll be BACK ON TRACK WITH THIS WHOLE LIFE THING.

BTW- I'm a senior with a gpa of 3.22--- so although I slack off, I do enough to at least keep above a B average. I just wait till the last minute and stress myself out. Although, this time I'm actually turning in an assignment late, which is definitley going to hurt me in the long run.

Time for a change

Ok, so I've decided to chance my entire approach to life and to chronicle it here everyday (hopefully). I've spent my life waiting for somthing to happen, sitting back, feeling sorry for myself. Well, I'm done with all that and today's the very first day.

This picture of my extremely messy room is a symptom of my need for change.

I met a person on Friday who lives his life the way I want to live mine, with passion and purpose. I don't wanna be the person I've been for the last 22 years any more- an idealistic person who thinks we need change, but doesn't do anything to bring it about. If I beleive in it- I

wanna LIVE IT instead of just talking about it (i do realize that I am talking about it right now, but I'm not just going to talk about it)

Sadly, I spent most of yesterday playing Mario, watching tv, and thinking about the stuff I should have been doing---cleaning my room, doing homework, reading---but I just wasted my whole night and when I got into bed I started thinking about how I live and decided I needed to change and I wanted to chronicle it, hopefully writing about it will keep me on track and I won't get too distracted.

I'm sure you've seen this quote by Jack Keroac before:

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved. The ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."

This quote is inspiring---to live life like you mean it. Stop talking about what you want to do, could have done, or a going to do. Just do it!

My first order of business to clean up my life, is to clean up my room. I havn't even entirely unpacked since I got back from Charleston over a month ago. It's pretty much a disaster in there. I am starting to beleive that if your room/apt. is messy then you're life probably is too

Now, a list of what I want to do for today:
-clean room and bathroom, grocery shop w/ mom, throw cylinders at the clay studio, go see waterfalls, go to a tag sale( i need a desk adn shelves bad), do at least one drawing for Arch Drawing class!

My method of starting is to actually do everything on my to do list-- It's a good place to start I think and I've never changed my life before so I'm not sure how to go about it---maybe I'll buy a self help book too---my sister seems to think they can be helpful?