Self Efficacy and the "I Can't"

I got the part time Admin job!  I found out on Thursday!  I accepted the position, turned in all all the paperwork, and start on April 8th.  I'm happy about it, but also...I'm not as happy as I thought I would be (or as happy as I should be.)

The stress of not having a steady job is now gone, but it's kind of been replaced by a bit of a sad feeling about how, as much as I wanted this part time admin job....It's still an admin job and not the type of job I want to do for the rest of my life.

I was talking to my roommate the other day about how I have not been meeting my potential (I know that nobody meets all of their potential though) and how I'm scared of failing.  I haven't really challenged myself or taken any jobs I was really scared of.  We talked about how we're both scared of failing at things and often have this thought pattern of "I can't do this" when it comes to something challenging.  My roommate has a strong interest in psychology and hopes to get a masters degree in neuropsychology so she had some interesting insights.

I have always attributed my "I can't" feelings to self esteem, but she explained that there is self-esteem and there is self-efficiacy.  I think most people know what self esteem is, but here is the definition.  She described self efficacy as our confidence in our abilities in specific areas definition here.  For example, I have high self efficacy in making omelets.  I know that I know how to make an omelet and am not worried about messing it up or doing it wrong.  Also, if I do burn the omelet- I have enough self efficacy in regards to omelets, that I know I will be able to make one next time, even though this particular omelet came out badly.   

Now- when it comes to other, let's say more difficult, things such as practicing Landscape Architecture- I have low self efficacy.  When I was in school (mostly in the 3rd-5th years of the program)  I would get assigned a project and my mind would immediately go to "I can't do this."  Now, intellectually I knew that I could, and had to, do the project.  However, because of this feeling of "I can't" I would get a knot in my stomach, get very stressed out, and wait until the last minute to complete the project.  I really wouldn't want to do the project at all, but would finally force myself to complete it because failing a class or a project was not an option that I allowed myself, not ever.

Ok- so after 3 years of this type of behavior, conventional wisdom would say that eventually my self-efficacy in these projects and Landscape Architecture would increase because I'm completing them and making A's or B's.  Unfortunately, these projects were all different- one semester we did Residential Design, the next Urban Design, the next Community Design, etc.  They were different enough- that I never gained much confidence in my abilities and continued to force myself to complete projects at the last minute, while not enjoying the process of designing very much and being stressed out.  Once I finished the design, I enjoyed the coloring and drawing a little, but mostly I just wanted it to be over.  My last semester was the worst- I was doing my Exit Project and I was so stressed and didn't want to do my work so bad- that I would often sleep through half of studio and show up 2 hours late (it was THAT BAD).  

I made an A on that final project— but that semester coupled with the 2 years before, left me with a VERY strong feeling that I still couldn't do it and didn't want to feel that stressed or that bad anymore, despite all the good grades and finished projects under my belt.  When I think about it, I still feel like I can't do it and don't want to do it.  When people ask my why I'm not pursuing Landscape Architecture I just tell them I didn't like it and it was very hard/stressful work.  I don't tell them that I self-sabbotaged and made myself miserable because I didn't think I could do it.

When I look at the people I went to school with- some of them were definitely a lot better than me both in design and drawing, but not all of them.  Some of the people that had similar abilities to me are doing very well in the field now and I know it's because they had an innate confidence in their abilities that I just didn't know how to have and, will never have, in that career.  

I feel guilty for self-sabbotaging, but I don't know how to manufacture confidence- so I'm just moving forward in these new jobs that I have more self efficacy in.  

I'm hopeful for the future and that I will find something, some career, that I'm willing to fight for and build confidence in.  A career in which my fear and stress don't ruin my chances of being a success. It's probably going to be something that doesn't require so many pieces to come together like designing a landscape...something less complicated most likely.

I still like being creative and started an Etsy Shop recently- maybe I'll end of making some craft that takes off and can be source on income...who knows!  I'll just keep on making things and see what happens!!!   

No Trout Here

Months ago, while I was still working at the Office Job I had for the last 3 years (before I left it for the job I worked at for 2 days), I was unhappy and bored.  I spoke to family and friends about how I'd really like to just work part time in an office and waitress a few days a week.  I didn't pursue this, as I felt it was more prudent to find a full-time job that "made sense" and paid more that my previous position, had opportunities for advancement, etc.  So...I did that and then promptly quit!

I wasn't listening to myself at all-  I was saying out loud what I wanted, but was too "rational" to move forward with it.  I do know that I won't want to do this forever, and that it's not what a "smart college graduate should do."  However, I'm trying to move away from society's shoulds and attempting to do what I think will lead me in the right direction (wherever that is?) for me and try to do not dwell on others thoughts or opinions on these choices.

It's funny to think that once I had a concrete goal in place- getting a part time office job and a restaurant job, I was able to meet those goals within weeks of my unemployment.  Well...almost, I have the serving job, and I find out next week if I get the Admin. position I interviewed for Thursday (I think I'm gonna get it though- the interview went well!) 

I did run into some roadblocks along the way to meeting this goal.  For example, I was offered a full-time temp (poss. to perm) opportunity at Harvard and offered an interview at a restaurant that would have been mostly hourly wages with little tips (counter service and food prep.)  Both of these positions presented opportunities (and I did need a job,) but they weren't in line with my goal and because I knew exactly what I was looking for (the type of restaurant I wanted even)- I made the tough decision to not take the job at Harvard and to not accept the interview at Clover.  As difficult as it was to turn things down, I was able to do so because I had my goal and knew what it looked like.

I'm already happier, and glad I turned down those other things to get here- The Field has a great atmosphere: it's busy, I'll be able to make pretty good money, it's pretty close to my neighborhood, the people seem very cool, and I love feeling more connected to my community!  The part time admin position I interviewed for seems to have what I'm looking for as well- it's easy to get to on the train, my future boss seems like an approachable and nice guy, most people it the office seem cool (although one person seems a little persnickity), it's 24 hours per week, and seems to have a good variety of different work that should keep me on my toes for awhile.  (There's also a ping pong table in the office, which is AMAZING!)

This whole experience has really shown me that having a specific goal, even if it's something small like getting 2 part time jobs, is sooo important!  I'm really looking forward to exploring my interests and discovering other goals, as well as a direction to go in.  

Just having a picture in my head of what I wanted allowed me to go after it, while making it much easier to make decisions about next steps.  Taking steps that led me toward that picture in my head and avoiding the steps that would take me away from it proved to not really be all that difficult.

I had been living my life for the past few years somewhat like a Trout, just swimming with the current (is that what Trout do, go with the flow?) and not making intentional decisions for my life.  I don't know what's going to happen- but it's a good feeling to be making intentional decisions for myself, which I hadn't really done since I moved to Boston. 

A Body in Motion, Stays in Motion

Alright- so I am starting to make some more headway in the finding a job to make some money front!  I started training at "The Field" last night; they probably won't have many shifts for me until the back patio opens (It snowed last night, so that might not happen anytime soon.)

Also, I have a job interview this week for a part time admin. position at a company that does late stage pharmaceutical research/testing, but I would be at their marketing division in Boston.  It sounds like a pretty interesting job because they want me to do editing, proofreading, and powerpoint- as well as administrative tasks.  It's also part time with flexible hours and not too tough to get to...so I'm hoping this works out!

I'll be back with a job update after that interview, which will be Thursday...if that doesn't work out, I might have to go back to full-time office work through a temp agency (gasp)!  I have high hopes for this though!

Anywho- the point of this post is finding a Purpose, Goal, or Dream:

What I'm doing to figure out something that I want to maybe do (vague right?):
So, I haven't dove (dived?) into anything off the high diving board, while doing flips yet.  I've been sticking my feet in the water a little bit to try a few things out though.

Doing things that I like/enjoy might help lead to some sort of concrete goal or towards some kind of dream.  So, I've tried a few things:

• Taking Singing Lessons: I've always really enjoyed singing and have spent many nights in Faneuil Hall singing Karaoke (mostly Taylor Swift).  So, I've started taking singing lessons, and last Monday was my first class!  Not sure that this will lead anywhere, but maybe someday I'll be in some kind of band...
• Making Pickles:  I've always enjoyed making things- and I've decided to try my hand at pickles.  The costs for equipment are very low (like 35$ for the boiling water canner and utensils) and potentially sell them at the Farmer's Market this summer- big maybe- I still have to find out Massachusetts regulations for this kind of stuff and am getting ahead of myself (I tend to do that.)
• But, I made some refrigerator pickles (these are not canned, but just pickles that you put in the fridge after making- they only last about a month) with my Aunt last week when I was in Vermont, and they are very easy to make and came out great- Yum!
• My roommate is interested in Jam (Jamming!) and we ordered the canner yesterday and are going to share it once it arrives! 
• Jamming and Pickling has to be done very precisely, due to bacteria- so I'm a little nervous about that part.
• Kickstarter Video:  I haven't worked on this yet, but I'm now committed to making a Kickstarter video for the Quack-a-Dile, a toy that I had a prototype made for last year.  I was pretty iffy on whether I was going to pursue the idea further, as the manufacturing costs are a bit high, but I think it's worth moving forward on.  Once the video is made, I'll put a link on the blog.

That's all I've really done so far, which doesn't feel like much- I am reading a self help book called "Getting Past OK: The Self-Help Book for People Who Don't Need Help," by Richard Brodie.  It might end up being helpful, but I'm not done with it yet.  

I'm on "Part III: The Pursuit of Happiness," which pertains to this post.  One statement he makes in this section makes a lot of sense to me- It's in regards to finding a life purpose:

     "The kind of life purpose I'm talking about is something that we're all fulfilling already;

      it's just that we may be doing it very inefficiently.  I want you to become conscious of 

      what that purpose is- the part of your life that you really like, the core of what it's all 

      about for you- so you can use all your intellectual and creative abilities to come up
      with ways to have more of it.  And if you're like me, it won't just be a little more-
      it will be a lot more."

I just got to this statement yesterday, but it reinforces what I'm already doing, which is adding more stuff I already like to my life- singing, making things, ect.  Granted, I did read a bunch of blogs and googled "finding a purpose in life," "finding a dream" and read of bunch of posts and advice online the day I quit my job (I was freaking out after all) and came across similar advice there. Reading those other blogs inspired me to come back and write about this "Journey" or whatever it is that I'm on- haha. One of those other blogs that's pretty cool is : The 30 Year Old Ninja http://30yearoldninja.com/   His story is pretty darn inspiring!

I think I'm doing an alright job, but I worry about losing steam on finding my purpose or dream-  

It would be so easy to fall back on my old pattern of  just going to work, watching tv, and going out with friends and not really doing much else. 

But, even as I'm scared of falling back on old patterns, I still have forward momentum (as well as the recent memory of how I wasn't happy in that pattern). We ordered the canner, I made pickles, I went to my second singing lesson, and I've kept blogging-  all Forward Momentum.

Today I plan to buy a date book- and to schedule practice time for singing and to schedule time to write a script for the Kickstarter video.  

As physics says :  A Body in Motion Stays in Motion, and a Body at Rest Stays at Rest.  I believe that as long as I keep pushing towards figuring this stuff out and stay "in motion"- I will get somewhere with this!  

Whenever one door opens, another door closes

I'm currently sitting in bed in the guest room at my Aunt and Uncle's house near Burlington, VT with a coffee and my laptop and a view of the tops of a variety of leafless trees.  I love Vermont- the mountains, the crisp air, the calmness.

My Aunt and Uncle have offered to have me to move in with them, if I want to find a job in Vermont...they know that I had a goal of moving to Vermont for quite awhile now, having applied for jobs here, as well as in Boston.  I do think that I would enjoy living here if I found a job I liked, and was able to make some friends.

However, now is a not a good time for me to make that change; I have many established friendships in Boston and moving here would distract me from my goals of finding a direction for my life.  I would be distracted: with packing, buying a car (you need a car in Vermont), finding a replacement roommate, making friends, and finding a job.  At least in Boston the only real distraction is finding a job and working.  I think it's easy to pick running away as an option, but I know that moving is not going to solve my problems, just distract me from them.

Finding that job to make money:

• The Temp Agency: I went to the Temp Agency that originally started me at Best Doctors 3 years ago on Monday morning. They were really nice and gave me the impression that I am very placeable.  I told them that I only wanted short term assignments or part time assignments, because I don't want to jump right back into a full time office job.  

• Unfortunately, they don't really have part time jobs and short term assignments are rare.  Most of the jobs they offer are Temp to Perm or long term type assignments.  

• I walked out of that meeting thinking that I should probably go with a serving job at a restaurant, if I don't want a 9-5.

• I left the temp agency and did some pretty productive stuff including going to the library, making lunch,  and going to my first singing lesson at 3 pm (yep- I started singing lessons!).  

• The Restaurant: I was feeling pretty great after my singing lesson and decided to stop by a bar/restaurant I really like in Central Square, called "The Field," http://www.thefieldpub.com/ to see if they were hiring.

• The bartender said they weren't, but the owner/manager cut in and said that they did.

• He gave me a job on the spot!  It was like something out of a movie- he said someone had recently quit and they were going to need more help when the patio opened.  He asked if I had served before and when I said "not in years," he said "you'll pick it up!"  

• That was pretty much it- I handed him my food service resume (which I had printed out at the library) and told him I could start the next monday.  

• I start training Monday March 18

Nerves:   I'm pretty nervous about starting a serving job- I'm used to sitting in one place all day, without much pressure.  Now I will be running around like crazy- getting people food and drinks, staying up late and just living a completely different lifestyle for a little while.

I have worked at restaurants before, but I've never been a server at a very busy one, like "The Field."  Luckily, it's a laid back place with a small menu.  I know that I'll be able to do it, but I hope that I also enjoy it a little and am not miserable.  I'm most excited about meeting new people and doing something different for awhile!  (the tips will be nice too!)

Missed Opportunities:  We all know the saying:  "Whenever one door closes, another one opens."  But, I've never heard anyone say "Whenever one door opens, another one closes." It is not the most optimistic statement, but it's something that's on my mind a lot right now because right after I accepted the serving position, the next morning the temp agency called me with a 9-5 position at Harvard that I could either look at as project oriented and do as a temporary job, or look at as a temp to perm opportunity.  I could have started as early as today, but she also said she could push it back until Monday- since I was headed to Vermont for a few days.

I had applied to many jobs at Harvard over the last year and never heard back from any of them- and this opportunity would have put me right there and into an organization that is focused on Global Health.  I could have felt good about what I was doing and work at a place I had wanted to work....I turned it down.  

I looked over the organization's website (they are doing really wonderful things) and thought hard about it, but whenever I imagined myself sitting at that desk on Monday morning entering data into a spreadsheet, making a binder of presentation documents, or editing a brochure, it is just not where I wanted to be or what I wanted to be doing.

I would have jumped at that opportunity a couple of years ago, even a couple of months ago, but I just don't want to sit in an office at a desk for 8 hours a day...at least not now.  I'm enjoying having a little bit of freedom and I guess I just don't want to give it up so soon after getting it.  I do feel like maybe I squandered a great opportunity, but I'm just trying to be a little happier and am going to try serving and following my dreams (whatever they may be)- hopefully I don't regret this particular decision in 2 months time.

I do have an interest in doing some part time office work- and have a phone interview for a part time administrative assistant position today.  We'll see how it goes- I don't think I would mind working in a cubicle 2-3x a week, just not 5-haha.

Anyways, trying to design my current life and not just taking whatever opportunity lands in front of me is pretty new and it's feels like a tight rope to walk- because you never know if what you're giving up is better than what you're taking.  "Whenever one door opens, another one closes."  I just hope the doors that I choose to walk through lead me in a direction that I wanna go!

Why find a Passion in Life?

The Plan Moving Forward:  I did speak about my plan the other day, but I'd like to go into more depth about what things I want to be doing to move forward on finding my passion and also making money in the mean time.

A Job to make money: I know that I don't want to jump into another full time office job, because that would be very similar to what I just left...and I want a real change

• Part of the reason I left my job is because I want variety in my life- 
• I don't want to do the exact same thing every single day
• I don't want to sit in a cubicle 5 days a week
• I don't want to be bored out of my mind
• I have been applying to part time office jobs (around 20 hours a week) and serving jobs at restaurants in Harvard Square.
• I'm also meeting with a temp agency tomorrow morning- and I plan on telling them that I only want part time work, or very temporary jobs- so as to not to get stuck in another full time cube dwelling lifestyle
• The Variety of 2 jobs- one where I move around a lot and one where I sit, would be a good change
• Also, I really like meeting new people- so this would be a great way to accomplish that
• Worry-  I'm worried I won't be able to find a part time office job and even if I do, that it won't pay enough; I'm worried that I won't like working in a restaurant and that it's the only thing I will be able to find (at least in the short term)
• Excitement- With that worry, comes some excitement, as this is the first time in 3 years, that I haven't known what was going to happen and that's both scary and exciting

Why find my Passion or Direction in Life? I know that in my 2007 posts, I spoke about change as well, but I feel like I'm a lot more All In this time!

• Why Now? Well, up until this point (especially since I moved to Boston in 2009)- when people asked me what I wanted out of life, or my goals...I would say "I don't know." and then change the subject. 
• I even made a youtube video about not having goals- called "Dare the Dream...or Goals Smoals"  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbkEVCFsYTM
• I began this video the summer of 2009 right before I moved to Boston and finished it in 2011 (note the different hair lengths and colors)
• Finding my passion wasn't important to me!  I thought it would be fun to work in an office and live in the city and make friends...and I thought that would be enough for me.
• And it was enough for me...for awhile.  I was in a new place, working in tall building in downtown Boston, taking the train, paying my own rent- it was almost like a game that was and fun and exciting to play.
• Well...after about a year- I was about ready for the game to end!
• I was miserable, but I got a promotion and that tided me over for a little while, but I was already sort of bored of that after about 6 or 7 months and starting applying to other jobs
• Which leads me to eventually finding that elusive new job...and then quitting when I realized that I didn't want more of the same
• After 3 years of working and not being happy for 2 of those years, I'm Finally ready to figure out something that I WANT to do and can't stand the idea of sitting in a cubicle in an office for the next 30 years doing something I don't care about
• I've come to this place through life experience and not listening to my family telling me that I should find a passion...sometimes lessons have to be learned the hard way I guess

Plan to find my Passion:I know what I don't want:  I don't want to use my degree to be a Landscape Architect, I don't want to work in an office at a corporation (unless maybe it was a company that was doing something I really cared about).

• I think I just need to follow my interests and try things I think I might like
• I'm almost positive that I want start my own company at some point
• I know I like making things- jewelry, pottery, youtube videos, some random inventions over the years
• I'm going to start making things and maybe sell them on Etsy- don't know what yet
• I want to take another Pottery class- not sure if it will lead anywhere, but I like it
• I'm going to make a Kickstarter page for the Quack-a-Dile, which is an invention I came up with about 2 years ago (I have a prototype, but need manufacturing money).  More about this later...
• I have an interview to volunteer at the Aquarium as a touch tank tour guide- it would be 4 hours a week.  I love aquariums and love meeting people, so it seems like a good fit
• I also want to talk to a lot of people about their passions and explore what's out there

We'll see what happens....The worry is still there, but planning definitely helps alot

Worry, Worry...

Ok- my last 2 posts were very stream of consciousness.  I was so stressed out over the situation, that I just really needed to get all my thoughts out.  I used bullet points to make it a little bit easier to read though

I've had a knot in my stomach and haven't been able to eat a normal amount of food since I quit my job on Tuesday night.  I did finally tell my dad what I did in a text message (cowardly, right?) on Friday.  He was not angry with me, as I expected he would be- whew!  He said he didn't understand, as I had told him earlier on Tuesday that I would give the job a few weeks or a month and then reassess the situation...and then later that same day- I quit.

Anyways, he was understanding and I feel like I'm starting to be able to talk to him as less of an authority figure and more of just a person who cares about me, which is much better.

He came to visit me yesterday with a trunk full of groceries- so much food...it was so nice of him.  I don't want him to ever HAVE to buy me groceries though, and I'm still very worried about what to do next.

Things I am worried about: This knot in my stomach is being caused by a variety of different worries: (I really do like bullet points and parentheses btw)

1. I am worried about money and finding another job
2. I am worried that the new job I do find will be just as bad as the old jobs (if not worse)
3. I am worried that people will judge me when they find out I quit my new job after just 2 days...and think I'm really dumb and irresponsible (sometimes I think I'm dumb and irresponsible too)
4. I am worried that even though I want to find my passion in life, that I won't find it and I'll just keep living my life without direction
5. I am worried about being unhappy forever if I don't find my Passion

Luckily- the knot in my stomach and worries have subsided a bit- I think having told some people what I did, blogging, planning, and time have helped!

My next post will go over my Plans in depth on what I think are the next moves in both finding a job to make money and finding my direction/passion moving forward.

Wish me Luck!!!

I Quit My Job- I have nothing else lined up- EEK

In the last post I mentioned that I had been applying for other jobs because I was in a rut and bored at Best Doctors:

• Well- I heard from the Garden Company in January 2013 (they do high end residential maintenance and installations).  I went in for an interview and really liked the people I spoke with- they were so nice.  However, they told me the job required 90% travel in the truck and I was secretly hoping I didn't get the job, as driving gives me anxiety.  

• They did call me though, but for a different position.  They asked if I wanted to interview for the Office Manager Position.  I was sooo excited b/c I would get to work in an industry I was interested in and not have to drive.  It sounded like a great opportunity and I went in for the interview the next week.  The interview went well, but I had some reservations: I found out that the work day is from 7:30 am- 4:30 pm, with an hour lunch, it was located in a more industrial area that I had to take a bus to get to, and the office was very tiny- pretty much one room.

• But, as I said, the interview went very well and they offered me the position a few weeks later (mid-Feb 2013).  I still had those reservations in the back of my head and their offer turned out the be pretty much what I was already making at Best Doctors.  

• I called my uncle; he has been working in a management role for years, and I asked his advice.  I decided that despite the small office, industrial location, and early hours- if they increased the pay they were offering substantially, then I would accept the position.

• I asked for more money- the manager called me and agreed to give me about 6 thousand dollars a year more than my Best Doctors Pay.  I accepted the offer- and got more and more nervous about the change, as it approached.  After 2 goodbye parties with my Best Doctors friends and coworkers, I started the job on Monday March 4th (so- 4 days ago).

• Day 1: I got there around 7:25 after taking 2 buses and started my first day.  I almost immediately didn't really want to be there.  They had recently renovated the small office (which is one large room, connected to the warehouse where they keep equipment and have a large conference table.)  The new layout included a reception type counter/desk that I was to sit at and my Manager (the company manager) sat directly behind me perpendicular to my desk.  He just had to turn his head to the left to see my computer screen- it was a little unnerving.

• I had to go to the other office, as it's affiliated with a Landscape Architecture firm, that day for some training and paperwork.  I don't have a car, so I had to grab a ride with another coworker (even though I was assured that I wouldn't need a car for this position).  I actually enjoyed the Landscape Architecture Office- it had a better feel to it and I liked the layout better.  I was only going to work at that office once a week though, and the other office the rest of the time.

• Day 2: I had been a bit early the first day (only 5 min), but I would've prob. been there around 7:15 if I hadn't gotten off a few stops too early.  So, I decided that I would take the 7 am bus to Harvard Square and try to take a 7:15 bus to work.  I should've checked the schedule (obviously) because there wasn't a 74 or a 78 bus coming for about 30 min.  I emailed my manager and told him I was running late and didn't' make it to work until 8 am.

• He was understanding but made it clear that I needed to be at work by 7:30 and I realized after looking at bus schedules, that the only option would be a 6:55 am bus each day- and if I missed that, there wouldn't be another one until 7:25.  I was uncomfortable with this, because I run late a lot and am not a morning person.  At best doctors, I could be late and it not be a problem.

• I finished out the day- worked cleaning out the supply closet, ordering supplies, and editing excel documents for a powerpoint presentation for the team meeting that is actually happening right now.

• Well- you might've figured out where this was going by now, but after day 2- I ended up quitting the job.  

• I felt somewhat trapped at the job- due to the tiny office, my manager sitting right behind me, and, without a car,- no real access to restaurants or places to go during my lunch break (except for burger king or a bakery nearby).  Furthermore, the work wasn't interesting (I guess office manager work really isn't all that interesting), I hate getting up early, and it was a 9 hour day, as opposed to the 8 hour day I had a Best Doctors.  I found myself missing the job at Best Doctors- it was boring, but it was flexible, easy to get to, a big office with many coworkers, and no one looking over my shoulder ever (my team was remote- so they couldn't-haha).

The Quitting:

• Tuesday Night March 8- I fell asleep on the couch around 10:20, being exhausted from getting up so early.  I then went into my room, set my alarm for 5:45, but I needed to take the 6:45 bus to Harvard in the morning.
• I then proceeded to not be able to fall asleep for an hour or so- because I didn't want to get up so early and I didn't want to go back to that tiny office and do work I don't care about.
• I decided to draft a resignation email- I told myself I didn't have to send it, but that I could just write it.  Well, I wrote it (I had had some alcoholic beverages earlier in the night and that gave me some liquid courage that I probably wouldn't have had otherwise).
• I read over it many times for about 10 or 15 minutes trying to decide if I should send it or not.  I managed to rationalize the decision to myself and sent it.
• I then felt so stressed out about the decision that I couldn't fall asleep until 5 am. But I still thought (at that time) that it was the correct decision.
• Well- My manager sent me a short email in response just saying something along the lines of:  "I'm sorry to hear that and the team will be disappointed.  Please let me know if you changed your mind."
• That made me feel a little bit better, as I was very stressed out thinking about what he might say to me.

Since Quitting:

• Since I quit on Tuesday night- I've had about 3 days to process what I done.  It's been a roller coaster of stress and second guessing, sometimes followed by feelings that it was the right decision.  I keep going back and forth on whether quitting was the right thing to do- my opinion changes many times throughout each day.
• The real reason I quit- is because I wanted to leave Best Doctors for so long, with the intention of moving on to something I like better and am excited about.
• The realization that I moved to a job that I liked less and had to work more hours at, was a hard pill to swallow for me. (I also hate getting up early)

The plan now:

• My plan is to now reassess what I really want to be doing with my life.  I have been living on autopilot essentially since I started at Best Doctors 3 years ago.  I don't regret working there, but I really don't want to just work at an Office job that I don't like now.  I want to do something I enjoy, or at the very least work at a place I enjoy.  I would take either option.

• I freaked out a bit on Wed. and applied to some full time Administrative Assistant positions, which I 'm sure I wouldn't like

• But I've had time to think about things and I would like to get a part time office job and work at a restaurant part time.  I just need some time to explore and figure out what I want out of life.  

• I broke the news to my Mom on Wed- she was surprised and of course said that it's not the choice she would have recommended, but she is supportive and helped me to feel a bit better about the situation.  I have been dreading telling my dad though- I know that he will disapprove and might get upset with my decision.  I don't know why I worry so much about what he's going to say- I'm a 27 year old old women- who can make dumb decisions like this one if I choose.

• That's the thing that's getting to me the most- the dread of telling him what I did.  I'm planning on just sending him a text message this evening stating that: 

• "I quit my job- have plenty of money saved up and have leads on restaurant and office jobs.  I'm sorry I didn't call, but I know that it was a rash decision and I've been dreading telling you for days and been beating myself up about it. I shouldn't have left Best Doctors, but I did and now have to figure things out.  Don't worry about me though- plenty of money saved up and I won't fall on my face.  Sorry if I'm disappointing you- this was just not the job for me- and I didn't want to go there anymore."

So- that is where I am now- back to square one, sort of- living in Boston without a job and not knowing what I should be doing, or want to be doing.  I do have more money saved up now- enough for a couple months, and hopefully I'll be able to use this time to figure out my passion and what would make me happy.  

I would like to chronicle this new journey on this blog- I think it will help to keep me motivated to find out what direction I really want to take in life and maybe help anyone else in a similar situation.

What I've been doing the last 6 years

So, I haven't put a post on here since 2007, which is a very long time.  I decided to read over the three posts from 2007...and they are all about wanting to change myself for the better and getting rid of bad habits like watching too much tv and procrastinating and trying to find some passion in life.

Well...I'm sure it's not too surprising that none of that stuff really happened- haha.  Habits are certainly difficult to break.  I've make some strides in the time since 2007, but nothing that got me where I wanted to be because I didn't and don't know where that is.

So- here's what I've been up to since those 2007 posts:

• I graduated college in 2008, but having no desire to actually become a Landscape Architect once school was over, I didn't apply to any jobs.  I stayed at my apartment that summer with a friend, worked at a movie theater and spent most of my money.  I went to the pool and drank too much mostly, and was very unhappy most of that summer.  I had a vague desire to study ceramics and move to Asheville, NC, even driving up there and looking at an apartment and meeting with an admissions counselor at a community college that had a ceramics program.  I couldn't actually do any of that because I had spent all my money and wasn't eligible for any Stafford loans, as I used them getting my undergraduate degree.

• Then, I moved into my mom's house in Sumter, SC (not the most interesting town for a 23 year old right out of college) and spent my time looking for work and driving 45 minutes to Columbia to visit friends from college whenever I had the opportunity.

• While living at my mother's house, I found a job working a liquor store as a clerk and got bored of that rather quickly.  I decided I needed to make moves, so thought I should move in with my sister in California and gave my notice to liquor store job in November in the hopes of moving out to California after the holidays.  My sister told me that "now wasn't a good time" for me to move because she had just moved in with her boyfriend.  

• Well- I was miserable and lonely living with my mom and her husband and decided if California couldn't happen, then I would make something else happen- I had to as I was depressed and needed change badly.

• I reassessed what I thought I wanted to do with my life and decided on taking up a career in jewelry and metalworking.  I had an interest in jewelry making for years, taken a class in college, and my grandfather had been a silversmith and jeweler.  I really liked the idea of following in his footsteps and attending the School of the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, MA, where he went for his undergrad.

• I got a portfolio of art and landscape design projects from college together, filled out the application for the Post-Bacc Certificate program, and mailed it in!  I received word that I was accepted and was very excited to move to Boston and get some direction back in my life.  I also found another job during this time as a receptionist and then working in the Kmart Garden Center to tide me over until I moved.

• This then brings me to June of 2009- SMFA was having a meet and greet orientation and I decided to fly up and look for an apartment.  My dad lives a couple hours away from Boston in CT, so he drove up to meet me at the orientation and we looked around to find a place for me to live.  I stayed in Boston for a few days at my sister's friend's house and pounded the pavement until I found a place to live for August.  My mom was nice enough to pay the first months rent for me (thanks mom!) and I went back to SC to get ready for the move and continue working.

• This program is $32,000 for the year; I received a $12,000 scholarship- so it was $20,000 tuition plus materials, rent and other living expenses.  I couldn't afford any of that- so I had been applying for various private loans- and getting denied for all of them :(  The economy wasn't doing great at that time (2009- eek) and since it was not a Graduate Degree program, but a Post- Bacc certificate there weren't any loans available besides private ones.

• Even though I wasn't able to obtain any loans, I needed a change very badly and decided to go ahead and move to Boston anyways- by myself with no job and $500 in my pocket.

• My mom drove with me and my car to Boston and brought me to my Dad's house, where I stayed for a week or so and applied for jobs.  Then he and my sister (who was visiting at the time) helped me move into my new apartment in Jamaica Plain with 2 males roommates- Eoghan (pronounced Owen), a very tall 30 year old Irishman, who owned his own house painting company and Brendan, a bar tender- who was never home.  I was 24 at this time and pretty nervous. Brendan moved out not too long after and Scottie moved in, a waiter/bartender who was about my age.

• It was a scary time for me, but I pushed through it, using a temp agency to find work and pay my rent.  I finally landed a open-ended temp position at an insurance company.  I HATED it- it was too quiet and the job was too easy and monotonous.  I kept in contact with another temp agency that called me for a "temp to perm" opportunity as a receptionist at Best Doctors, Inc.  I decided to go for it b/c three months at that insurance company was really getting me down.

• I started the very next day and sent my manager an email saying that I wouldn't be coming back and left a voicemail for the person from the temp agency saying the same.  I know it was rude to do that, but I didn't want to be there anymore and wanted to take any opportunity to get out of that job.  I had been there for 2 months at the point, it was Mid- December 2009, and I had been in Boston for a about 4 months. 

• So, I started at Best Doctors and thought the people were so welcoming and really liked the office culture.  They even invited me to a bar that night to celebrate a coworkers birthday.  I thought it was a great opportunity!  Well- I was only there for a week and half, when I was told that they didn't need my anymore because I didn't speak Spanish.  So, there I was jobless once again.

• I had a trip planned to visit family in Illinois for christmas, so I flew out there and they convinced me to stay and work for them- help out around the house, drive my cousin to school, etc.  I ended up staying in Illinois for over a month, paid my Boston rent from there, and somehow convinced my roommates in Boston to feed my cat while I was gone.  It was not the best situation, but they were willing to pay me and I was already in Illinois...so I stayed.  What a mess, right?  They offered my a job where my cousin works, but I really wanted to return to Boston and continue my life there.

• Luckily, the temp agency called me, apologized for letting me go so suddenly, and asked if I wanted to apply for a position at Best Doctors?  I did, of course and my future manager was nice enough to give me phone interview since I was still in the Western suburbs of greater Chicago.

• I flew back on Jan. 31 (I think) and started work at Best Doctors on Feb. 2, 2010.  I managed to make some really good friends and enjoy my time there.  I tended to work very late, as me and Eoghan were not exactly getting along at this point (he had a bit of a bad temper and I didn't clean enough, among other issues that sometimes happen when you live with people.)

• My friend moved from South Carolina to Boston the Summer of 2010 and that September we moved into an apartment in Somerville, MA (which I still live at today).

• I continued on at Best Doctors, eventually becoming dissatisfied with the work, as it became too easy and monotonous after about 8 months.  But I was offered a new position there in October 2011, supporting a team of six nurses on the Workers comp team.  I was excited and did well in the new position.  It was a new challenge and there was a lot to learn.

• But, as it seems to go- I eventually became bored of the job and wanted to do something else.  I started applying for new jobs in May 2012 and applied for jobs here and there.  I was offered a job interview at EF Tours (a travel company) in Summer 2012, but the pay wasn't great, so I decided to stay put. 

• I still really wanted a change though- I was in a rut again and work was very slow most of time, leaving me only enough work to keep me busy for about half the day.  It was fine, but I was ready for something else.

• So, I kept applying for jobs and at the end of Oct 2012 I had applied for quite a few jobs, including a Field Manager position at Garden Services company.  It would require some driving, which I hate, and I no longer had a car at this point- but I thought it sounded like an interesting opportunity and tied in to my Landscape Architecture degree.

• During this time since I started applying for jobs, sometimes I thought about just quitting Best Doctors, getting waitressing job, or a part time office job because I was so tried of going to the same place all day everyday.  I didn't do it though- my job was pretty easy and I was good at it, I had friends at work (my former manager that hired me is now one of my best friends), I made more than enough money to live (I do live with 4 other roommates so we split everything) and I had a pretty flexible schedule- if I was late, it was ok.  

So- that brings us up to Feb. 2013.  The next blogpost will take us from there to what's going on now.  What's going on now takes me full circle back to when I moved to Boston in 2009.