The stress of not having a steady job is now gone, but it's kind of been replaced by a bit of a sad feeling about how, as much as I wanted this part time admin job....It's still an admin job and not the type of job I want to do for the rest of my life.
I was talking to my roommate the other day about how I have not been meeting my potential (I know that nobody meets all of their potential though) and how I'm scared of failing. I haven't really challenged myself or taken any jobs I was really scared of. We talked about how we're both scared of failing at things and often have this thought pattern of "I can't do this" when it comes to something challenging. My roommate has a strong interest in psychology and hopes to get a masters degree in neuropsychology so she had some interesting insights.
I have always attributed my "I can't" feelings to self esteem, but she explained that there is self-esteem and there is self-efficiacy. I think most people know what self esteem is, but here is the definition. She described self efficacy as our confidence in our abilities in specific areas definition here. For example, I have high self efficacy in making omelets. I know that I know how to make an omelet and am not worried about messing it up or doing it wrong. Also, if I do burn the omelet- I have enough self efficacy in regards to omelets, that I know I will be able to make one next time, even though this particular omelet came out badly.
Now- when it comes to other, let's say more difficult, things such as practicing Landscape Architecture- I have low self efficacy. When I was in school (mostly in the 3rd-5th years of the program) I would get assigned a project and my mind would immediately go to "I can't do this." Now, intellectually I knew that I could, and had to, do the project. However, because of this feeling of "I can't" I would get a knot in my stomach, get very stressed out, and wait until the last minute to complete the project. I really wouldn't want to do the project at all, but would finally force myself to complete it because failing a class or a project was not an option that I allowed myself, not ever.
Ok- so after 3 years of this type of behavior, conventional wisdom would say that eventually my self-efficacy in these projects and Landscape Architecture would increase because I'm completing them and making A's or B's. Unfortunately, these projects were all different- one semester we did Residential Design, the next Urban Design, the next Community Design, etc. They were different enough- that I never gained much confidence in my abilities and continued to force myself to complete projects at the last minute, while not enjoying the process of designing very much and being stressed out. Once I finished the design, I enjoyed the coloring and drawing a little, but mostly I just wanted it to be over. My last semester was the worst- I was doing my Exit Project and I was so stressed and didn't want to do my work so bad- that I would often sleep through half of studio and show up 2 hours late (it was THAT BAD).
I made an A on that final project— but that semester coupled with the 2 years before, left me with a VERY strong feeling that I still couldn't do it and didn't want to feel that stressed or that bad anymore, despite all the good grades and finished projects under my belt. When I think about it, I still feel like I can't do it and don't want to do it. When people ask my why I'm not pursuing Landscape Architecture I just tell them I didn't like it and it was very hard/stressful work. I don't tell them that I self-sabbotaged and made myself miserable because I didn't think I could do it.
When I look at the people I went to school with- some of them were definitely a lot better than me both in design and drawing, but not all of them. Some of the people that had similar abilities to me are doing very well in the field now and I know it's because they had an innate confidence in their abilities that I just didn't know how to have and, will never have, in that career.
I feel guilty for self-sabbotaging, but I don't know how to manufacture confidence- so I'm just moving forward in these new jobs that I have more self efficacy in.
I'm hopeful for the future and that I will find something, some career, that I'm willing to fight for and build confidence in. A career in which my fear and stress don't ruin my chances of being a success. It's probably going to be something that doesn't require so many pieces to come together like designing a landscape...something less complicated most likely.
I still like being creative and started an Etsy Shop recently- maybe I'll end of making some craft that takes off and can be source on income...who knows! I'll just keep on making things and see what happens!!!
That's really cool insight. I never really knew the difference between self-esteem and self-efficacy. So much of our failure or success has to do with our attitude about it.
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