Progress (or lack there of)

Goals: I do want to talk about the minimal progress/setbacks I’ve made in my goals in the last 2 weeks (it won’t take very long-haha). 

·      I quit singing lessons (I think 2 days after my last post) I just really didn’t want to go and didn’t want to practice.  I quit a lot of things I start- I’d say that’s a flaw that I need to work on. But..that’s the decision I made.  I don’t feel as if I want to place a right or wrong assessment on it(at least not right now).

·      Nobody has bought anything off my Etsy Shop, but someone did favorite one of the jewelry racks- so that’s encouraging!

·      I used the canner for the first time to make pickles- the canning process went alright, but I changed the recipe to use apple cider vinegar and oh my goodness- these were the WORST pickles I have ever tasted in my entire life.  The pickles were not remotely crunchy- I think they were literally dissolving in the vinegar mixture.  The flavor was sooo strong and bad, that both me and my roommate spit our bites into the sink.  It’s could barely even be called food.  I guess that goes to show me that if the recipe calls for white vinegar, who am I to change it?- especially on my second pickle batch ever! (this was this first one using the canner)

·      We didn’t hear from the Kitchen that we emailed, so I emailed a different commercial kitchen space today- so we’ll see if they respond to this one.

·      This doesn’t exactly have anything to do with goals, but I signed up to play dodgeball with some people from one of my old jobs.  I think it should be fun!

Those are all the goal related things from the last 2 weeks- singing is off the table

for now and pickling went bad, but I’ll make another batch (with the correct vinegar) soon.

I’m not exactly sure what to do with the rest of my Wednesday- maybe clean my room and do the dishes.  I’m not really in a pickling mood today…

Ok- that's it- Hope everyone's having a nice day- it's sunny here in SomerBridge/CambriVille!

Safety Not Guaranteed Anywhere

Last Week: Last week was very surreal here in Boston- everything just felt weird and not real- the bombing and then the ensuing search for the bombers, and then one of them dying and the other FINALLY getting caught…it was all just horrible and so sad.  

I’m sorry to say that often, when I hear of a tragedy- it never really hits me- I say “that’s sad” and then move on because it seems far away and I just feel very removed from it.  But this happened 2 miles from my office, in my city, in an area where I have been many times, and the bombers lived a 10 in walk from my house.  This did affect me and everyone I know.

The whole thing really just filled me with a sadness on Monday afternoon and gave me this feeling of not being safe and feeling “off” all week.  I spoke to my friends and neighbors and it hit all of them the same way- it all just felt so wrong and weird and sad.   It also made us really come together- none of us wanted to be alone.

After the suspected bomber being caught on Friday, things have essentially gone back to normal here- we’re all still talking about it (of course) and reading about it and waiting to find out more information- the Whys? are rolling around in our heads, but we are going to work, going out with our friends, we are back to normal.  I do think we (at least for now) are being a little nicer to each other and feeling a sense of community we don’t usually feel– we are Boston Strong!  Especially when I worked last Friday night, I really felt that sense of community…I have never seen the bar sooo packed.  Everyone came out after having been “sheltering in place” all day- not going to work or school and glueing themselves to the news while the cops looked for the suspect.  Everyone was just so happy to be out of the house and there was a strong feeling of camaraderie- even when it was so packed you couldn’t move.

After the bombing I really have lost some of that false sense of safety most American’s carry around.  I have always known that we aren’t safe and that we never have been safe (there’s murderers, and car accidents, natural disasters and wars) but it’s become EXREMELY clear now- that this kind of thing doesn’t just happen in other countries or other cities- it can happen anywhere- it can and did happen here.  On top of this bombing- there was the fertilizer explosion in Texas and the earthquake in China all during the same week…all of these terrible things are bringing the “not safe” thing to the forefront of my mind.  

I also am now going back to thinking about what it is that I want out of this life- that is (as we can see) is not guaranteed to just go on until I’m 90 years old.  None of us know how long we will be here to follow our dreams and live our lives.

Honestly, I haven’t been spending very much time during the last week thinking about my goals or what I want out of life.  I’ve been working a lot- 6 shifts last week and 6 the week before.  I have Wednesday days off though…and decided I really needed to get my thoughts out into my blog and reflect again on what it is that would bring me happiness in this life that seems increasingly short, yet long at the same time.  Not only did this bombing shake me, but I turned 28 on Sunday April 21- both of these things cause you to think about the time you have here. 

I’m not sure if anyone else felt this way as a child, but I NEVER thought I would be almost 30- NEVER.  It was almost like a figment of my imagination- thinking about being 30 and having a job and maybe a family (not yet on that one)…I don’t think I ever thought that any of that stuff would really be real for me- it just seemed like it could never happen, but here I am- haha. 

So…yeah I still feel like a failure at life for the most part when I look back on what I’ve accomplished so far- I’m a year older now and not too much closer to finding a place in life that I feel content to be standing at/on.  I have hope though- I still think quitting that job and getting the 2 part time jobs was the right thing for me, even if it’s only because it gives me the opportunity for this Wednesday off- just the opportunity to blog and thing and act, with no distractions of work or friends.

I'm going to put another short post up in a minute about my goals and how I'm doing (or not doing) with them.  It was originally one post, but I think it makes more sense as 2.

If you want to donate to the victims of the bombing- here is a link to The One Fund:

https://secure.onefundboston.org/page/-/donate2.html

Losing Steam...Lacking Positive Reinforcement

I'm not sure I have anything much to say right now about finding a dream and achieving it...I'm having kind of a hard time right now staying motivated.  I did very well for a week or 2- I started the Etsy page and made some cool jewelry racks and wine stoppers.  Me and my roommate got a business certificate for a pickle and jam company we are calling "Pickles 'n' Jam," I'm still taking singing lessons, and started my new job Monday.

I wish I felt great about all this stuff, but I just don't right now....sometimes I have the thought "what's the point of all this?"  It is so easy to give up on things and go back to doing not much at all.  I'm still committed to not doing that, but I sort of feel like it right now and have felt this way since last week.  I just keep telling myself that the point is to be happier and that I shouldn't give up on making that happen!

Writing this blog post is part of not giving up on moving forward!  So- yes, I feel a bit down right now and am not super motivated.  However, I am going to force myself to practice singing today and at least go buy the spices for the pickle recipe.

I'm going to be working a lot more now than I was this last month, which will be a challenge to getting stuff done and will require more planning.  While I was unemployed or only working at the bar a couple days a week, I had so much time on my hands that I was able to sit around watching shows for hours and still have plenty of time to be productive after that, which made it MUCH EASIER to do things!

I'm busier now and will have to make time for creative pursuits.  I'll be working Mon, Tues, and Thursday at the Office and Thursday Night at the bar (and prob. at least 1 or 2 other days at the bar).  This week is pretty busy- I worked Mon and Tues at the Office, am working tonight at the bar, tomorrow at the office, tomorrow night at the bar, and Fri. day at the bar-that's more than full time.

So yeah- In Conclusion-  I'm losing motivation and am now pretty much back to working full-time, albeit 2 part time jobs instead of one full time job.  At least I have a partner in the "Pickles 'n' Jam" endeavor and we will have each other to keep us motivated.  Although, if we don't get a commercial kitchen space to make the pickles and jam, then this project is really a non-starter anyways (I'll talk more about this business in another post.)

At least Spring has finally Sprung here in Boston and it's easier (for me anyways) to be happy, busy, and motivated when it's nice out!!!!

Wait a minute- I just figured out why (at least partly why) I'm losing motivation (thanks blogging!) So I've been working on 3 things:

• Singing Lessons
• Pickles and Jam company with my roommate
• Etsy Store

I would like to break down why I'm losing motivation in each category:

• Singing Lessons- 
• I like my instructor a lot, but he talks A LOT, and I didn't even get a song to work on until the 3rd class 
• I really haven't gotten to sing that song very much in class so far (due to all the talking) and most of the singing I've done in the 4 classes has been the warm-up.  Last class I sang part of the song for about 10 or 15 min...that's it (it's an hour long class)
• Basically, I was expecting to sing more in singing class- haha- and am not getting to do that enough, so am losing motivation
• Pickles and Jam- (I know I said I'd talk about this in the next post, but here it is:)
• We just wanted to make some homemade pickles and jam and sell them at the farmer's market, but there's been so many roadblocks:
• We need a clean, health dept. inspected kitchen to make the food in
• We missed the application deadlines for all the farmer's markets around here (they were in March)
• We applied for a shared Kitchen and haven't heard back yet- so everything really hinges on that- Now we wait........
• Etsy Store-
• I made some pretty cool stuff (I think), but no one's ordered anything- so I'm much less inclined to keep making stuff if nothing happens....

What do all of these things have in common, you ask??? Well...I'm not getting much positive reinforcement on any of them.  I've put time and effort into all of them and haven't gotten much of anything back yet.  But...if I stay positive and move forward, eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) things will start happening:  I'll sing more in class (as I think he's covered most of the things that need to be talked about -breathing, posture, vowels, etc.), we will hear back from that kitchen (this might end up being negative- but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it), and if I keep making stuff for Etsy- I know someone will order something, right?

There you have it— motivation is being lost because of lack of positive reinforcement and minimal gains, despite effort. Now that I understand why I've been feeling down- I think I will be able to drum up some more effort on my part.

Have a great day :)